On December 3, 2012, at 6 pm, I took the final shot of rum and sat down on a recliner and my head was filled with racing thoughtful which gave myself with plenty of dilemmas. Little I did realize I have to go to class next day at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary (GCTS).
My previous marriage uttered into collapse!
Where will I go?
I am Deaf ministry leader, shame on me!
I am seminary student at GCTS and what can I do?
How can I do everything without support from loved one?
I am useless!
I am just void to anyone!
Those thoughts have been racing on my mind since my loved one left me on 11/29/12 which I saw it as beginning of the end! My memories re-flooded made me think of “Fall From Grace” storyline featured in Daredevil #319-325 which was published in 1993. It is the point where Matt Murdock as Daredevil went under major change it brought into a new identity and new direction since he is devout Catholic.
I sat on the recliner and said to myself I am completely failure! I am completely ashamed of myself because I secretly led double life due to my deadly battle with alcoholism for 11 years. I knew I cannot hold secret battle any longer.
One night, I was sitting motionlessly and been wonder what to do with my life without my loved one even to make matter worst, I cannot afford to continue making monthly apartment rent payment. It is because the living expenses in Boston area is very expensive. Somehow something snapped me out from being motionless! A person’s name entered my mind:
Lita Schluter is a dean of student life at GCTS, she have been “mother spiritual” to many GCTS students. I contacted her for a place to stay and told her what is happening with me. She took my case to GCTS administration and it was approved that I am able to live on the campus.
It is the beginning of new chapter in my life, where I began to unfold many false beliefs because I have been living with the false identity. Living on the campus of GCTS was blessings at the same time it was indeed nightmare due to being only Deaf student on the campus.
I began to look at myself and I grieved for many days!
On many nights, I would sneak into a chapel to spend hours filled with prayer and weeping even my weeping have been becoming very loud where many students can hear!
I began to look at mirror…..I looked at myself and realized how ugly I am! I am not speaking of my physical form, I am speaking of my soul! Immersion into booze has blackened my soul! I was living in secret and I was busy in an attempt to be good Deaf ministry leader and get drunk in order to attacks those people who hurts me even attempt to make myself being a cool person. It is because it shows how deep within me, I was a very hurtful person who suffered from being oppressed, manipulated, controlled, verbally abused and even been bullied!
My life was completely unfair! For years, I tried to voice out my own life perspective, opinions and my passions (movies, comics, & photography) but was often been neglected and been belittled. I let my hurtful and withering soul as a displacement anger upon people.
I was completely lost and never truly feel being loved! I personally knew I was loved by my beloved dad and mom. I never understood the true love until I began my re-dedication to the Lord and my close walk with Jesus on December 3, 2012, and relocation to GCTS campus. Things were never same again afterward!
On the summer of 2013, I was cruising through beach around Gloucester in North Shore of Massachusetts, one afternoon I was reading a book called “Altar Ego: Becoming Who God Says You Are” By Craig Groeschel on my kindle. Holy Spirit sent soft encouraging and comforting words as said:
“You are no longer Mike, you are Michael!”
Michael is my new identity and it is actually my legal name was on my birth certification. It is a sign of reborn in a presence of Christ. God and I just made a special unspoken covenant that I will no longer use “Mike” because it represents old life. “Michael” represents my reborn in Christ. It reminds me of one verse:
“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The Old life is gone; a new life has begun!” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)
Let me give you a bit commentary about this verse above:
“The Holy Spirit gives them new life, and they are not the same anymore. We are not reformed, rehabilitated, or reeducated- we are re-created (new creations), living in vital union with Christ.” ~Note from NLT New Testament Life Application Study Bible
I learn to rebuild my new life in Christ reflected based on Colossains 2:6-7:
“…now just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” (NLT)
So therefore I am no longer naming myself as Mike because I am new person in Christ, so I am Michael not Mike!
My identity have been robbed and I was official victim of identity theft beginning around Spring 2001 until December 3, 2012.
Captain Morgan: You are Captain Morgan and I inherit you my identity and feels the power of rum inside you. It will defines who you are!
Michael: You are simply delusional and rum brought me nothing but destruction!
Captain Morgan: My power of rum will give you everything you needs to become!
Michael: You are a just false god, you are nothing and my true life is in Christ!
Every day, I learned to focus one time a day by investing myself in the Kingdom of God through Jesus! Nothing is better than just finding a restful soul in the presence of Jesus!