What is father to you? Father is a figure who take central as part of your life and be filled with unconditional love where there is grace, compassion and been very understanding.
It is something I have been struggling to understand after living in pain and anger for long time after being belittled and been oppressed by someone who took over father role even I was taught with some kind of distorting moral values in my life caused me to have very confusing perspective about life itself. My true father was absence from my life for many years.
It brought me much confusion, anger, fear and filled with bitterness toward God which landed me into alcoholism. Even I got to admit, I was leading double life in ministry field and I wore mask where I hid my ugly wounded soul. I drank too much because I did not realize I was trying to nurse my own unspoken pain upon my heart due too many rejections, lack of self-worthy, low self-esteem, and lack of respect.
One afternoon, one letter arrived during Spring of 2006, that letter was addressed to me from my true father that I have not hear from him in over decade! My mind was blew when I read the letter with beautiful card. This letter from my father expressed his strong passion in seeking reconciliation of father & son relationship. It is true beginning of my long journey of inner healing.
Prior to reconciliation, my dad was wonderful father to me since I was born until in 1984, it changes everything when my mom made cunning plan from my dad by telling him that she wanted to go away for break with me in New York City. After our arrival in New York City, my mom told my dad on phone as what my mom told me:
Your dad and I are divorcing…we are staying here!
It left me in very confusing and filled with missing pieces to puzzle in my life. However, my mom continues to send me to visit my dad every summer until I reached my adulthood it is when I finished my high school at Model Secondary School for the Deaf and are in preparation to enter Gallaudet University. It is where at this point, I began to get very confusing and been brainwashed as I was misled about my dad which apart us for over a decade before we are reconciled in 2006.
My earliest of my cherished memories with my Dad in 1970s to late 1980s:
I wanted to share the earliest of my cherished memories of my dad and I spending together for last time before an incident truly apart us for many years:
Our relationship as father and son have developed and healed our old wounded slowly since our reunion in 2006. I began to understand my dad and at same time he learned to understand and where I came from. When I fell into alcoholism, it caused my dad to grow closer to me and trying to understand in uncovering about my hidden and unspoken pain. He was always there for me, my step mother, Pamela have been biggest support and been encouraging in everything to see my relationship with my dad become strong.
It is our reunion in 2006 when I visited my dad in Northern California, it was taken in Chester, California:
When I lost everything in 2012, my previous marriage, career, my beautiful apartment, my beautiful Shetland Sheepdog Liberty. My dad was very determined to be there for me and be able to spend every moment as he can to help me to ensure I get all professional help and seek God as part of my ongoing inner healing journey. He never looked down on me, he was full of grace and love at same time he expressed his grave concern for my life.
During my stay at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary have taught me about true love began with relationship with our Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father is full of love where it helped me to understand my dad and it brought healing to the fullest and even I learned to forgive my dad for being absence from my life and also forgive those one who tried to father me whom belittled & oppressed me which leave me with sense of lack of self-worthy when my dad was not in my life for many years.
As years passed by since 2006, I began to see my dad as my hero and biggest influence in my life, God have answered my long unanswered prayer to get my dad back in my life. Looking in my dad’s eyes and heart have helped me understand myself as God shaped my life for His whole glory.
It is why God is God of restoration and kept His promise upon my life. It is true evidence of how God shaped my life!
O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help. ~Psalm 86:5 (NLT)
When I was engaged to my Gorgeous Sunflower Tami Jo last year, and my dad promised me that he will come down to our wedding among with my step mother, Pamela. It came true, God did something above what I expected! I learned to forgive my mom for what she did to me and she was very supportive toward my restoration of relationship with my dad since 2006. Even what became more blessing to me. My dad and mom have not seen each other since 1984 as I got to have both of them with me in picture which I have not one since 1984.
It perfectly fits what God promised me: