My Dad & Me!

What is father to you?  Father is a figure who take central as part of your life and be filled with unconditional love where there is grace, compassion and been very understanding.

It is something I have been struggling to understand after living in pain and anger for long time after being belittled and been oppressed by someone who took over father role even I was taught with some kind of distorting moral values in my life caused me to have very confusing perspective about life itself.  My true father was absence from my life for many years.

It brought me much confusion, anger, fear and filled with bitterness toward God which landed me into alcoholism. Even I got to admit, I was leading double life in ministry field and I wore mask where I hid my ugly wounded soul.  I drank too much because I did not realize I was trying to nurse my own unspoken pain upon my heart due too many rejections, lack of self-worthy, low self-esteem, and lack of respect.

One afternoon, one letter arrived during Spring of 2006, that letter was addressed to me from my true father that I have not hear from him in over decade!  My mind was blew when I read the letter with beautiful card.  This letter from my father expressed his strong passion in seeking reconciliation of father & son relationship.  It is true beginning of my long journey of inner healing.

Prior to reconciliation, my dad was wonderful father to me since I was born until in 1984, it changes everything when my mom made cunning plan from my dad by telling him that she wanted to go away for break with me in New York City.  After our arrival in New York City, my mom told my dad on phone as what my mom told me:

Your dad and I are divorcing…we are staying here!

It left me in very confusing and filled with missing pieces to puzzle in my life.  However, my mom continues to send me to visit my dad every summer until I reached my adulthood it is when I finished my high school at Model Secondary School for the Deaf and are in preparation to enter Gallaudet University.  It is where at this point, I began to get very confusing and been brainwashed as I was misled about my dad which apart us for over a decade before we are reconciled in 2006.

My earliest of my cherished memories with my Dad in 1970s to late 1980s:

My Dad was holding me when I was only 8 months old in 1973.

My Dad was holding me when I was only 8 months old in 1973.

My Dad was helping me feeding goats at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad was helping me feeding goats at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad and me at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad and me at Knotts Berry Farm on August 3, 1979.

My Dad and I are fooling around as we are in boxing match. My Dad was hardcore fan of boxing, picture was taken in 1982.

My Dad and I were fooling around as we were in boxing match. My Dad was hardcore fan of boxing, picture was taken in 1982.

My Dad, Auntie Lucy and Me had taken picture with Lakers player, Chuck Nevitt during summer of 1985.

My Dad, Auntie Lucy and Me had taken picture with Lakers player, Chuck Nevitt during summer of 1985.

I wanted to share the earliest of my cherished memories of my dad and I spending together for last time before an incident truly apart us for many years:

Our together at Disneyland was one of best and earliest memories of us being together last time before it set us apart for years before we are reunited in 2006.

Our together at Disneyland was one of best and earliest memories of us being together last time before it set us apart for years before we are reunited in 2006.

Our relationship as father and son have developed and healed our old wounded slowly since our reunion in 2006. I began to understand my dad and at same time he learned to understand and where I came from.  When I fell into alcoholism, it caused my dad to grow closer to me and trying to understand in uncovering about my hidden and unspoken pain.  He was always there for me, my step mother, Pamela have been biggest support and been encouraging in everything to see my relationship with my dad become strong.

It is our reunion in 2006 when I visited my dad in Northern California, it was taken in Chester, California:

Our reunion during summer of 2006 in Chester, California.

Our reunion during summer of 2006 in Chester, California.

When I lost everything in 2012, my previous marriage, career, my beautiful apartment, my beautiful Shetland Sheepdog Liberty.  My dad was very determined to be there for me and be able to spend every moment as he can to help me to ensure I get all professional help and seek God as part of my ongoing inner healing journey.   He never looked down on me, he was full of grace and love at same time he expressed his grave concern for my life.

During my stay at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary have taught me about true love began with relationship with our Heavenly Father.  Heavenly Father is full of love where it helped me to understand my dad and it brought healing to the fullest and even I learned to forgive my dad for being absence from my life and also forgive those one who tried to father me whom belittled & oppressed me which leave me with sense of lack of self-worthy when my dad was not in my life for many years.

As years passed by since 2006, I began to see my dad as my hero and biggest influence in my life, God have answered my long unanswered prayer to get my dad back in my life.  Looking in my dad’s eyes and heart have helped me understand myself as God shaped my life for His whole glory.

It is why God is God of restoration and kept His promise upon my life.  It is true evidence of how God shaped my life!

O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
    so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help. ~Psalm 86:5 (NLT)

When I was engaged to my Gorgeous Sunflower Tami Jo last year, and my dad promised me that he will come down to our wedding among with my step mother, Pamela.  It came true, God did something above what I expected! I learned to forgive my mom for what she did to me and she was very supportive toward my restoration of relationship with my dad since 2006.   Even what became more blessing to me.  My dad and mom have not seen each other since 1984 as I got to have both of them with me in picture which I have not one since 1984.

Here is the picture of My Dad and I at our wedding on February 14, 2016 in Fayetteville, North California:

It perfectly fits what God promised me:





God do not call me CRAZY!

Being Christian means I follow Jesus not how people defines who I am in God’s eyes.

Christians are suppose to give comforting and encouraging words.

Did they?  They breeds more bullying, unlovable and hatred words.

Did God told them?  Did Jesus breeds the words that goes against the worthy and unique of humankind?

No He did not!

Simply he came on earth to touch those wounded heart with His an AMAZING LOVE!

Many Christians failed to follow His example of touching those wounded hearts.

Am I crazy?  Am I being cursed by God because of living with mental illness since I was diagnosed with Manic-Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder!

Jesus sat down and gave me warm words:

I understand you and I love you.

It is what was spoke to my heart.

What happen to today’s churches, they are too busy trying to say how much God bless them and attempt to “savory” others about how good pastor of the church is! Aren’t church suppose to be place for wounded souls where there are plenty of love, grace, kindness, compassion, and mercy toward those are are much unfortunate people!

Dealt in deadly battle with alcoholism, mental illness, and unsafe behavior pattern have left me become less and less worth in presence of people.  They are busy saying bad things about me.  They tried to tell me:

Stop drinking too much!
You are always drunk!
You are hurting others too much!
You are sick man!
What’s wrong with you!?!?!

List going on, are there any loving and comforting words involved? NONE, however there are very few Christian friends took their time to try understand me.  I said again…VERY FEW of them!

What church failed to see what Peter and John did with one man who is trying to find something in his own soul:

One day Peter and John went to the Temple at three o’clock, the time set each day for the afternoon prayer service.  There, at the Temple gate called Beautiful Gate, was a man who had been crippled all his life. Every day he was carried to this gate to beg for money from the people going into the Temple.   The man saw Peter and John going into the Temple and asked them for money.  Peter and John looked straight at him and said, “Look at us!”  The man looked at them, thinking they were going to give him some money.  But Peter said, “I don’t have any silver or gold, but I do have something else I can give you. By the power of Jesus Christ from Nazareth, stand up and walk!”  Then Peter took the man’s right hand and lifted him up. Immediately the man’s feet and ankles became strong.  He jumped up, stood on his feet, and began to walk. He went into the Temple with them, walking and jumping and praising God.  All the people recognized him as the crippled man who always sat by the Beautiful Gate begging for money. Now they saw this same man walking and praising God, and they were amazed. They wondered how this could happen. ~ Acts 3:1-10 (NCV)

Did you see how Peter and John handled the situation, they was very determined to look at this man’s wounded soul than to enable him in do whatever he wants to do with money if he was offered with money.

Did church follow the example of Peter and John?  Frankly, I would say VERY FEW of them until you PROVE ME WRONG!

I admit I always thought I was sickening man who have been living with addiction in alcoholism and been engaged in many unsafe behavior.  I always blamed on myself as I thought to myself I am worthless, evil, and useless person.  It is because I took the definition of my identity from those society even church.  I was hopeless human being who have been extremely exhausted in fighting to try do good things but always goes wrong way.  All of those I felt that way in 2012 and I was fighting for my own life.

My stay at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary have taught me something where I never learned in past, God is very gracious and loving God who wanted to take care of me.  I was given verse:

“The Lord your God is with you;
    the mighty One will save you.
He will rejoice over you.
    You will rest in his love;
    he will sing and be joyful about you.”~ Zephaniah 3:17 (NCV)

Did God calls me crazy?  HECK NO!  God is madly in love with me!  I am His worthy and unique child!

Christians need to take example what Jesus did to wounded hearts with gentle words filled with love and kindness.  Unfortunately, they are busy saying bad things and how they rebelled against God even would say how crazy we are!

You have NO idea what I went through and the origin behind of my battle with alcoholism also what engaged me into many unsafe behavioral pattern.   You need to learn to listen to their wounded hearts which is filled with unbearable and unspoken pain in their soul.

LEARN to LISTEN to them and UNDERSTAND them.

It is what Jesus wanted you to do….

Show empathy, be compassionate, be gracious, and be lovable toward them!




Be Yourself!

One afternoon at the campus of Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary in beautiful small town, South Hamilton, I was sitting in front of my professor, Steve Kang.  During sitting in Professor Kang’s office, my mind was pondering over many things after he made stunning statement:

“During your stay around here, I wanted you to know God just wanted you to be YOU!”

This statement above made me feels like brick just hit my nose so hard and caused to bleed badly!  It is because I told Professor Kang with an assumption as I said, “I believed God called me to be pastor or teacher…”  Professor Kang cut me off and said this statement above.

For years, I lived in people’s expectation and let them defines my identity based on how I exercised God’s given gift which mislead me into many assumption path.   People keep telling me:

Look at Michael, he got gift to be into pastoral ministry!

Michael, you got gift of being evangelist!

Wow, I wish Michael is our pastor of our church!

List going on!

Before I can goes further about finding true self in yourself.   I would like to share one scenario from page of Infinity Crusade # 6 which was written by Jim Starlin and drew by Ron Lim.  It is one of milestone and classic storyline in history of Marvel Comics.   One of most deadly villain known as Thanos which was known as The Mad Titan (You can easily spot his appearance in post-credit of film Avengers & Avengers: Age of Ultron and Guardian of the Galaxy).

Thanos was willing to offer assistance to one of his enemies, Adam Warlock, and they accomplished mission in destroying cosmic egg to prevent big blow to earth.  I wanted you to look at their conversation:


Obviously, you can see how Adam was telling something to Thanos in about being hero.  Thanos retorted back in attempt to defense his own identity as who he is.  He is not interested in letting Adam make perspective about Thanos.  Thanos wanted to be Thanos that all at same time he have his own missions to seek else than just superheroes’ vision!  So bottom line of all, be yourself!  Are you curious at full page of their conversation so here it is:

Screen Shot 2016-05-30 at 11.01.52 PM


I had to deconstruct (unlearn) my programmed way of thinking on how those people tell me!  It is where my true life in presence of God began on November 29, 2012!   This date will forever be remembered as turning point in my life.  I re-discover my walk with God with all new meaningful perspective.

Since childhood, I was movie buff and comic guru/geek and always had great love about it because I sense there are much analogy in them.   I let someone take away my identity and my passion and re shape me with something which I did not find anything enjoyable.

In my walk with God, I returned to my old root of my passion of being movie buff and comic guru/geek and I learned to use those as analogy and how it reflects our walk with God and importance of finding true meaning of life in presence of God.

It is where I finally learn to enjoy my freedom in presence of God, it is true beginning of discovering true identity in Christ.  If people do not like what I am doing as movie buff and comic guru/geek then so therefore it is not my problem, it is their problem!

To be yourself, you need to be truly free from those toxic people where they will not let you be yourself.  In order to be truly be yourself is already verified beautifully by Jesus as he engaged in conversation with one expert on religious law:

Jesus said, “What is written in the law? What do you read there?”

The man answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.”Also, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

Jesus said to him, “Your answer is right. Do this and you will live.” ~Luke 10:27-28 (NCV)

Loving God as first thing to do will bring the true love of self-acceptance because getting in an intimacy relationship will bring you to the point where God wanted you to be YOU!

Vengeance has consumed you…


“Vengeance has consumed you. It’s consuming them. I am done letting it consume me.”

T’Challa aka Black Panther (one of main characters from Captain America: Civil War) made stunning quote toward Helmut Zemo!

Black Panther

Do you lost faith in humanity because of senseless and meaningless evil behavioral performed on earth where you see too much negativity and toxic on media? Is it too much for you to witness?

Where does we turn to? God is our hope in senseless and meaningless situations where you see there is no justice being done. Do you feel you want to take law in your own hands and do those things to them who have hurt you badly? Are you letting bitterness take over your soul because you sense something is being done toward you in very unfair way!

It is what Helmut Zemo did; he is the man with full of anger! Let me provide you with brief background of Helmut Zemo. Helmut Zemo was first introduced in page of Captain America #168 in 1973 but did not officially become Helmut Zero until #275.   He is considered one of most cunning and deadly villains in Marvel Comic Universe. He is great known for partnering with evil empire such as Master of Evil, Hydra, and Secret Empire and even he has collaborated with Red Skull.


Helmut Zemo chose to take law in his own hands after what did to his homeland, Sokovia that was told in Avengers: Age of Ultron. His secret agenda was true intention to destroy the Avengers in Captain America: Civil War.  After Helmut Zemo revealed the secret videotape footage which shown Bucky Barnes (his mind was controlled by Hydra), which killed Tony Stark aka Iron Man’s parents in front of Iron Man’s eyes. Captain America KNEW what was hidden in video footage!

That is why Captain America was very determined to take stand and made every attempt to reason with Iron Man as he was defending his childhood friend, Bucky Barnes.  Captain America made statement which what Jesus would does to us:

“He Said ‘Bucky’ And Suddenly I Was That 16-Year-Old Boy From Brooklyn Again.”

What point of this quote above, Captain America emphasized Hydra brainwashed Bucky Barnes and Bucky lost control of his freedom in his life.  It is acting of grace even Captain America knew what is in footage, he wanted to defend Iron Man from hurting himself and do harmful things in future.

Captain America never give up on his close friend, Bucky Barnes, it is because he loved him as it is like his real brother.  Captain America cherished his memories with Bucky when they are young together in Brooklyn!

Black Panther learned what Helmut Zemo did to them, he stopped him from committing suicide after bloody battle between Captain America & Bucky Barnes and Iron Man.  Black Panther realized vengeance is bring out nothing but destruction for it own soul.

Refusal of forgiven will plant the root of bitterness in you in what it consumed Helmut Zemo.   It is why Jesus made very clear about importance of forgiving others as he talked about parable on unforgiving debtor:

“Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars.  He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

“But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

“But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars.[d] He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

“His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters[e] from your heart.”

~Matthew 18:23-35 (NCV)

In my own sense and interpretation, Captain America had to take Bucky Barnes away from Iron Man after bloody battle in order to protect Bucky Barnes and even protected Iron Man too.  Captain America wrote heartened letter to Iron Man because he loved him as friend and will be there for him in aftermath event of Civil War.

What Captain America did was out of love as what Jesus did to us!  Jesus walked on earth to bring grace and love to those who feel there is no hope in them when their past are full of ugly.


Captain America believed in grace, love and compassion as what Jesus did.  Captain America have heart of Jesus!

No wonder Captain America’s famous quote:

“I’m with you till the end of the line”


I am no longer Captain Morgan! I am Captain for Jesus!

On December 3, 2012, at 6 pm, I took the final shot of rum and sat down on a recliner and my head was filled with racing thoughtful which gave myself with plenty of dilemmas.  Little I did realize I have to go to class next day at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary (GCTS).

My previous marriage uttered into collapse!
Where will I go?
I am Deaf ministry leader, shame on me!
I am seminary student at GCTS and what can I do?
How can I do everything without support from loved one?
I am useless!
I am just void to anyone!

Those thoughts have been racing on my mind since my loved one left me on 11/29/12 which I saw it as beginning of the end!  My memories re-flooded made me think of “Fall From Grace” storyline featured in Daredevil #319-325 which was published in 1993.  It is the point where Matt Murdock as Daredevil went under major change it brought into a new identity and new direction since he is devout Catholic.


I sat on the recliner and said to myself I am completely failure!  I am completely ashamed of myself because I secretly led double life due to my deadly battle with alcoholism for 11 years.   I knew I cannot hold secret battle any longer.

One night, I was sitting motionlessly and been wonder what to do with my life without my loved one even to make matter worst, I cannot afford to continue making monthly apartment rent payment.  It is because the living expenses in Boston area is very expensive.   Somehow something snapped me out from being motionless!  A person’s name entered my mind:

Lita Schluter

Lita Schluter is a dean of student life at GCTS, she have been “mother spiritual” to many GCTS students.  I contacted her for a place to stay and told her what is happening with me.  She took my case to GCTS administration and it was approved that I am able to live on the campus.

It is the beginning of new chapter in my life, where I began to unfold many false beliefs because I have been living with the false identity.  Living on the campus of GCTS was blessings at the same time it was indeed nightmare due to being only Deaf student on the campus.

I began to look at myself and I grieved for many days!

On many nights, I would sneak into a chapel to spend hours filled with prayer and weeping even my weeping have been becoming very loud where many students can hear!

I began to look at mirror…..I looked at myself and realized how ugly I am! I am not speaking of my physical form, I am speaking of my soul! Immersion into booze has blackened my soul!  I was living in secret and I was busy in an attempt to be good Deaf ministry leader and get drunk in order to attacks those people who hurts me even attempt to make myself being a cool person.  It is because it shows how deep within me, I was a very hurtful person who suffered from being oppressed, manipulated, controlled, verbally abused and even been bullied!


My life was completely unfair! For years, I tried to voice out my own life perspective, opinions and my passions (movies, comics, & photography) but was often been neglected and been belittled.  I let my hurtful and withering soul as a displacement anger upon people.

I was completely lost and never truly feel being loved!  I personally knew I was loved by my beloved dad and mom.  I never understood the true love until I began my re-dedication to the Lord and my close walk with Jesus on December 3, 2012, and relocation to GCTS campus.  Things were never same again afterward!

On the summer of 2013, I was cruising through beach around Gloucester in North Shore of Massachusetts, one afternoon I was reading a book called “Altar Ego: Becoming Who God Says You Are” By Craig Groeschel on my kindle.  Holy Spirit sent soft encouraging and comforting words as said:
“You are no longer Mike, you are Michael!”

Michael is my new identity and it is actually my legal name was on my birth certification.  It is a sign of reborn in a presence of Christ.  God and I just made a special unspoken covenant that I will no longer use “Mike” because it represents old life.  “Michael” represents my reborn in Christ.  It reminds me of one verse:

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The Old life is gone; a new life has begun!” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

Let me give you a bit commentary about this verse above:

“The Holy Spirit gives them new life, and they are not the same anymore. We are not reformed, rehabilitated, or reeducated- we are re-created (new creations), living in vital union with Christ.” ~Note from NLT New Testament Life Application Study Bible

I learn to rebuild my new life in Christ reflected based on Colossains 2:6-7:

“…now just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord you must continue to follow him.  Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” (NLT)

So therefore I am no longer naming myself as Mike because I am new person in Christ, so I am Michael not Mike!

My identity have been robbed and I was official victim of identity theft beginning around Spring 2001 until December 3, 2012.

Captain Morgan: You are Captain Morgan and I inherit you my identity and feels the power of rum inside you.  It will defines who you are!
Michael: You are simply delusional and rum brought me nothing but destruction!
Captain Morgan: My power of rum will give you everything you needs to become!
Michael: You are a just false god, you are nothing and my true life is in Christ!
Captain Morgan:….

Every day, I learned to focus one time a day by investing myself in the Kingdom of God through Jesus!  Nothing is better than just finding a restful soul in the presence of Jesus!







Nobody Understands Who I am!

Jesus-and-the-Woman-at-the-Well-Oh, you are taking anti-depressant medication? Don’t you have enough faith in God?
-Look at this person, he/she is truly insane!
-This person is so ANNOYING and talking REPETITIVE!
-He/She is full of anger and there is nothing good about him/her!
-Look at this person, he/she is truly crazy and why are he/she here?

There are plenty of stigmas made toward those people who are diagnosed with mental illness where there are no compassion, kindness, grace and love involved.

People living with mental illness are becoming unfortunate and less fortunate people in society even what become worse is it is already happening in Christianity communities.   How embarrassed, it is when being rejected by Christians where there is an epic failure because of no empathic!

I do personally admit that I am one of those among less fortunate people because I am mental illness survivor since I am diagnosed with manic-depressive and post-traumatic stress disorder!  It made me feel I am not being loved within Christianity community.

My BIGGEST question of all did Christians or should I say so-called Christian (it is because they didn’t actually have deep intimacy relationship with God) truly understand or do not even bother to do some kind of exegesis about “A Story About a Big Banquet?” It is a parable was told by Jesus in Luke 14:15-24 as it said:

One of those at the table with Jesus heard these things and said to him, “Blessed are the people who will share in the meal in God’s kingdom.”

Jesus said to him, “A man gave a big banquet and invited many people.  When it was time to eat, the man sent his servant to tell the guests, ‘Come. Everything is ready.’

 “But all the guests made excuses. The first one said, ‘I have just bought a field, and I must go look at it. Please excuse me.’  Another said, ‘I have just bought five pairs of oxen; I must go and try them. Please excuse me.’  A third person said, ‘I just got married; I can’t come.’  So the servant returned and told his master what had happened. Then the master became angry and said, ‘Go at once into the streets and alleys of the town, and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.’  Later the servant said to him, ‘Master, I did what you commanded, but we still have room.’  The master said to the servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes, and urge the people there to come so my house will be full.  I tell you, none of those whom I invited first will eat with me.’” (NCV)

Did you see a lot of those people turned down the invitation to God’s banquet, it is because they are too busy with their own affairs than to find time to seek what God has to offer!  Those invitations went to less fortunate people!   What make matter much worst those people who rejected those invitations left no room for love at the banquet!

It is exactly been happening in today’s church even in past time too!  What is becoming much tragic in ministry field that many of those ministry leaders are not trained or even being educated on how to help those people who are diagnosed with mental illness.  People diagnosed with mental illness needs extra support, encouragement, comfortable and even more patience.

You have no idea how difficult it has become of them in their life journey, it requires extra time to listen to their story and how they are diagnosed with mental illness based on DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which are commonly diagnosed by psychiatrists and clinicians.

Often of the time, the people with mental illness do have treatment plan where it will help them to maintain their life within society.  Also, you guys within ministry field who have no medical license have no business to tell what to do with their medications and treatment plan.  If you are becoming concern about them just learn to ask and listen to them and how you could be helpful toward them.

Number one Important of whole all things above do not even talk about them behind their back or make any kind of assumption.  If you do like that then you are not showing true love or showing cherish about them.  They are God’s children so treat them with love.  You have no idea how they have been unloved for a long time.

Jesus on bench with a man

I wanted to close with verse:

“If we love our Christian brothers and sisters, it proves that we have passed from death to life.  But a person who has no live is still dead.  Anyone who hates another brother or sister is reallty murderer at heart.  And you know that murders don’t have eternal life within them.” ~ 1 John 4:14-15 (NLT)

Forgiveness 201

Forgive is something people do not truly get it whole!

Do you truly understand what Forgive means?

I would like you to read the parable which was told by none else but the Messiah alone, Jesus himself:

“Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

“But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’  Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

“That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.” ~ Matthew 18:21-35 (NLT)

Does it ring you?

Something sounds like you have been doing toward others?



Fumed up




List going on!

One common I have kept hearing and saw in people’s conversation and their behavior as it was exposed in front of me:

“I already forgive others, but I will never what was done toward me!”

“He/She deserved to be punished for what he/she did to me! I wanted to see he/she suffered same as what was done toward me!”

“If I see this person again and I am going to beat this person.  Also, I wanted this person to feel my pain what was eating me up!”

Many poisonous sayings were exposed in front of me.

So does it mean they truly forgives others?

My answer is no!

They are deceiving themselves.

They failed to do their own spiritual examination.

I wanted you to look at this sentence as Jesus said in v.28-29a: “… when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time.”

This man was forgiven by the king and he chose to carry his own personal grudge AGAINST servant who owed him a lot of MONEY!  Did man understand the true meaning of forgiving?  NO!  He was simply taking advantage of the king’s true love and he chose to abuse the king’s grace.

The word forgive came from Greek name: aphiemi which describe: let go, give up, to remit, & to omit.

So, therefore, we need to understand the true meaning of forgiving. In my previous article, I emphasized that let go is the best medication for your soul which will bring freedom and peace in your life.

I wanted you to keep in your mind if you seek to forgive others for whom you have mistreated them in past and if a person refused to forgive you and you are still free.  It is because you did your part as God witnessed your godly doings which were from God’s true love.  It is no longer your problem it will be God’s responsible for taking care of this person who refused to forgive you.

Forgive is another way of saying, “let move on, so there nothing good left for me so it is worthless to waste on licking up the old wounds from the past because I already seek forgive and even forgive others for what they did to me!”

If you refuse to forgive others, then you are still living in the prison of bitterness.  It will wreck your soul.  Little you did realize it will affect others with your toxic feeling, thought, and reaction. 

One of most dangerous verses I can see as Jesus said in v.35: “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

If you REFUSE to forgive other then you are not acknowledging the true love came directly from God.  Inner healing is an not overnight change, it takes time but seek God in guiding your heart in doing spiritual examination with blessing counselor, Holy Spirit which is a promise gift as Jesus told about.

God has forgiven all our sins, we should not withholds forgiveness from others.  As we realize how completely Christ has forgiven us, it should produce an attitude of forgiveness toward others. When we don’t forgive others, we are setting ourselves above Christ’s law of love. ~ (Note taken from page 1581 NLT Life Application Study Bible Published by Tyndale)

Forgiving others is the beautiful gift from God because it is express out of true love and it will bring you freedom in your life!


Christianity Needs To Be RE-DEFINED!


… When Jesus was eating supper at Matthew’s house with his close followers, a lot of disreputable characters came and joined them. When the Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company, they had a fit, and lit into Jesus’ followers. “What kind of example is this from your Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?” Jesus, overhearing, shot back, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? Go figure out what this Scripture means: ‘I’m after mercy, not religion.’ I’m here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders.” ~Matthew 9:10-13 (MSG)


What is Christianity?

It is all about belief in Jesus Christ and learn to conform to God’s holiness, character, including doing things are acceptable in the eyes of Christians such as going to church, get involved in ministries, giving tithes, saying prayer, and reading the Holy Bible, and memorizing a lot of verses (bonus: even being a Bible Thumper title champion, eh?)  Sound like most common you heard about Christianity right?

Can I ask you, what do Christianity means to you?  According to worldly perspective it is all about belief in the teaching of Jesus Christ.   Let me ask you again (I am pointing my finger at those whom has their heart dedicated to God), what does Christianity means to you?

Can you answer that question?  We failed to understand the foundation of Christianity.  Did the foundation of Christianity provide with an instruction to build a church building?  None of those instruction actually existed there.  Believe it or not!  Jesus simply told his disciples with three main instructions provided as he said:

“All power in heaven and on earth is given to me. So go and make followers of all people in the world. Baptize them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach them to obey everything that I have taught you, and I will be with you always, even until the end of this age.” ~ Matthew 28:18-20 (NCV)

So what are three instructions which Jesus mentioned?  Here it is:

  1. Make followers of all people in the world
  2. Baptize them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit
  3. Teach them to obey everything that I have taught you.

So my question for you, did Jesus create the blueprint of the church building?  None of them was mentioned out of Jesus’ mouth!    The book of Acts documented the early fellowship of followers of Jesus Christ was held at home not church.  The church is translated from the Greek name ekklésia which means belonging to the Lord.  In another saying, it is called the house of the Lord or body of the Lord.  The church itself is not a building.  So who came up with the idea of building a church and make it an assembly of followers of Jesus Christ only?  So credit went to Emperor Constantine (272-337, A.D.) which was called as “Father of the church building!”

Oh really?  Yes, Christianity needs to be RE-DEFINED!   I am not saying church building is the wrong place to seek & worship God among with other believers.  I am saying the church building is actually becoming places of assembly of so called self-righteousness & professing Christians.  Even what becoming great tragic within the church, there are too many gossip & back-stabbing going on and even judging about other brothers and sisters’ flaws in their life outside church.   It is very difficult to find grace-filled Christians in there.  I am not blaming everyone or all churches, but I wanted to remind you that finding true loving people of God are very few within each congregation.

It is why the image of Christianity was seriously damaged, however it was nothing new and there are certain group who gave the Jewish people distorting view of God in Jesus’ time.  Who is certain group?  The answer is a religious leader who carries self-righteousness attitude.  It is why Jesus was deeply annoyed by their belief in God as Jesus said:

“You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life.  But the Scriptures point to me!  Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life.” ~John 5:39-40 (NLT)

I would like to make an additional in elaborating the true meaning of interpretation of what Jesus said in v. 39-40:

“The religious leaders knew what the Bible said, but failed to apply its words to their lives.  They knew the teachings of the Scriptures, but failed to see the Messiah whom the Scriptures pointed.  They the rules, but missed the Savior.  Entrenched in their own religious system, they refused to let the Son of God change their lives.  Don’t become so involved in “religion” that you miss Christ.” (Commentary note taken from Tyndale Life Application Study Bible: New Living Translation)

Conforming to God’s character in making our life holy in the presence of God is our primary concern as we normally go through a period of regeneration and sanctification.  It is not an express lane or overnight-changing life.  It is a lifetime walk with God.  Unfortunately, in the religious system, the rules have been exaggerated and it created such as man-made rules.  It has created much miserable sense in seeking God, which has caused people to have distorting view of God.  We need to stop making the so called rules to be our primary concern in our spiritual journey in the presence of God.   Let me share my experience, in my twenty years of my walk with God despite there are many bad things happened in my life, but I still keep learning as God, purify my soul to become very lovable, compassion, and gracious person toward others.  I went from being legalistic to grace-filled Christian!

It is why Jesus mentioned about two important things in our spiritual life where he taught us to rely on God daily:

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble, and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-29 (NLT)

Commentary on v. 28 & 29~What do Jesus means by heavy burdens?  He was referring to sin, excessive demands of religious leaders (Matthew 23;4 & Acts 15:10), oppression and persecution, and weary in the search for God.  Jesus frees people from all these burdens.  The rest that Jesus promises is love, healing, and peace with God, not the end of all labor.  A relationship with God changes meaningless, wearisome toil into spiritual productivity and purpose (Tyndale Life Application Study Bible: New Living Translation).

Second important thing Jesus said about walking with Him:

“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.”~John 15:5-8 (MSG)

Jesus emphasized that growth in the presence of God is not an overnight change, it is a lifetime journey.   To produce beautiful garden, it requires much of time involving cultivating, sowing and watering in order to see garden have been well taken care of.   We rely on God’s Word which is living water to our soul!

I have countless of conversation with Christians keep telling me:

“Pastor told me…..”

“I had to do it because Pastor told me.”

“King James Version is only and true bible translation as Pastor told me.”

“It is because my church told me so!”

List going on!

Did I hear anything that they talk about seeking God through the guidance of the Holy Spirit in purifying their soul?  All of us have our own struggles and it requires much of time to seek the truth in the presence of God for better change after receiving Jesus in the heart.

So what about pastor?  Their job is to ensure the congregation’s responsibility to seek God with their whole heart, not to dictate their heart.  The biggest tragic in church, too many of us became victims of spiritual abuse because we have a distorted view of God based on our toxic faith.

The citizens of Berea heard Paul and Silas preached about the Good News and determined to examine and study the Scripture to ensure it was what Paul and Silas preached about.  So therefore citizens did their homework by verifying and confirming to see if Paul and Silas said was true and authentic came directly from God.  It was mentioned in Acts 17:11 as it said:

These people were more willing to listen than the people in Thessalonica. The Bereans were eager to hear what Paul and Silas said and studied the Scriptures every day to find out if these things were true.~Acts 17:11 (NLT)

So what does it mean for you?  Once you listen to sermons or bible lessons and it is YOUR responsibility to seek God and examine Scripture to ensure it is enhancing your spiritual growth in the presence of God.  The pastor is not your god.  The pastor is simply doing work for God by ensuring you guys are well connected to God and have a stable relationship with God daily.

So true walk with Jesus will motivate you to do something will glory the God in sharing God’s love and testimonies than to do something to gain attention from congregation and secular to show you are being good Christian.   The true walk with Jesus, go to within heart FIRST not performing the duties!

“… When you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!”~Jeremiah 29:13 (b) (NLT)

As you seek God with your whole heart and God will get you there in His time!



The Problem of Easter!


Most of us celebrates Easter in honoring Jesus’ death & resurrection, it happens once a year during Spring time.

Unfortunately, I saw there was a problem concerning celebrating Easter!

I am not here to give a lecture or presentation about the origin of the name, Easter!  I wanted to focus on celebrating the Jesus’ death & resurrection. I saw it as a major problem in modern Christianity! I am not here to be guilt tripper!

I am just simply trying to help you see it as a major problem!

What is the major problem, I am addressing about?

Have you heard about the term, chreaster? 

The true definition of chreaster: 

Those Christians who only show up to religious services on Christmas and Easter.


Is Christian actually a true follower of Jesus Christ, who only attends religious services on Christmas and Easter?  I am going to cover my eyes, and mumbles to myself, “It is not my business to judge their heart, only God can see their true heart!”  My main question, are you truly loyal and full of motivation in the eyes of God’s?

Have you heard others tell you how God have been good to them in their life, but are they actually being honest with themselves?  Is their heart near or distance from God?

Pharisees and teachers of religious law were truly angered by how Jesus and His disciples was not following the tradition based rules.  Jesus blunted at the Pharisees and teachers of religious law as he said:

Isaiah was right when he spoke about you hypocrites. He wrote, ‘These people show honor to me with words, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is worthless. The things they teach are nothing but human rules.’
~ Mark 7:6-7 (NCV)

Seems familiar to you?  God does not want your attendance only on Easter day.  He is much interested in your heart not proof of your attendance.  Going to church does not make you a good Christian in the eyes of God’s.

I have heard plenty of statement made by Christians (or should I said so called “Christian”):

  • “I go to church occasion and God knew my heart so it is good enough for me!”
  • “I do pray and read the bible, so why should I go to church, it is not necessary for me to go there every Sunday!” 
  • “I have a very busy schedule and I am too tired to go to church every Sunday.”
  • “Going to church when I can, and God sees it and counts it, so I have nothing to worry about I will go into heaven anyway.”

List going on!

Now let me get down to the point, what is important about the resurrection of Jesus?  Jesus took the cross  because he wanted to give you new life and new hope!  It is not all about only defeating death at the hand of evil one, Satan.  The true purpose of resurrection is to breath new life in the Kingdom of God!

Prophet Isaiah prophesied about the true purpose of the Messiah being on earth:

He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole.  He was whipped so we could be healed.
~Isaiah 53:5 (NLT)

My main question is do chreasters truly understand the true purpose of celebrating the Jesus’ Resurrection day?  Are they trying to show off about their attendance in order to show they are good people in God’s eyes?

Chreaster need to re-define their faith in the presence of God by understanding what is the true purpose of the resurrection of Jesus!

So therefore, we need to celebrate Jesus’ victory over death in our life DAILY not only during holy week lead up to Easter’s day!  I am not saying we should not ignore the holy week.  To me, it is a big celebration and great remembrance, let me say in another way, I wanted to give off the overwhelming of emphasizing how Jesus did for my life by sharing beautiful testimonies how Jesus saved my life during holy week!

Jesus freed me from being an alcoholic addict!  He forgave me for all of many unthinkable acts I did in the past which was truly horrible in the eyes of human beings!

Just learn not to be chreaster, it is why Prophet Jeremiah made beautiful quote as he prophesied to the community of the Jewish people:

You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!
~Jeremiah 29:13 (NCV)

God DESIRES your heart not your attendance!

Do you want to hear Jesus tell His Father, “I know ________ (your name)?”

Yes? Then seek God with your whole heart!

Let me close up with verses which was told by Jesus Christ, which would give you a wake up call and help you to re-examine your faith in the presence of God:

“Not all those who say ‘You are our Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven. The only people who will enter the kingdom of heaven are those who do what my Father in heaven wants.  On the last day many people will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, we spoke for you, and through you we forced out demons and did many miracles.’  Then I will tell them clearly, ‘Get away from me, you who do evil. I never knew you.’
~Matthew 7:21-23 (NCV)

Do you want Jesus acknowledge you?

You ask yourself and seek God!

Living in Denial Is Like Living In Unreality.


Living in denial can be considered as an unseen disease to your soul.

It is because when someone like your loved one, true friends, co-workers, or family members has been making an attempt to tell you something where it is bring harmful to your lifestyle and refused to acknowledge the fact.

It is living in a world of unreality and see harmful behavior as a good way to ease off your own unbearable pain!

What is denial?  What do it has do to with being free in Christ?  According to Mayo Clinic as it provided with perfect definition about denial:

Denial is a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations — but staying in denial can interfere with treatment or your ability to tackle challenges.

Refusing to acknowledge that something is wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety. You can be in denial about anything that makes you feel vulnerable or threatens your sense of control, such as an illness, addiction, financial problems or relationship conflicts.


Act of denial can be a sign of beginning of breaching the trustworthy among your cherished people who means a lot to you.  Rejecting in getting help will not get you anywhere.  You cannot fix on your own with your own strength!

Living in act of denial is like manufacturing your own toolbox without having any kind of blueprint based on wisdom and advice from others.

How many times have you told others: “I am FINE!”

Are you being honest with your own struggle and frustration in your life where the pain is becoming unbearable in your soul?

Do you think you could fool those people with saying of “I am FINE?” Think twice!

Let me tell you those people who knew you well are not truly this stupid!

Are you aware that denial is categorized as a mental disorder.  It is because of refusal to acknowledge the existence of the problem.

Great sense of unrealistic fear, confusion, and frustration is the outcome of living in denial, which can create a much complicating situation which would much damage to others such as displacement anger.

What is displacement anger? It is when you are truly anger at someone for doing something harmful to you even you wanted to lose your cool and hit this person but instead you took anger upon someone else.

False identity is another part of living in denial stage, for instance, I used to immerse myself into alcoholism where it turned me into a different person than who I am.  My addiction to alcoholism have hurt many people, even some of my behavior has been truly ridiculous.  I used to get drunk all the time when going to work as direct care staff and social worker because I was falling into depression and unable to remove my pain.  It is where I turned myself to alcoholism.

We need to learn to confront the reality of the problem!  It is no wonder Jesus Christ made a beautiful statement:

“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.  Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your lives.  The burden that I ask you to accept is easy; the load I give you to carry is light.”
~Matthew 11:28-30 (NCV)

Are you tired of running from problems?

Are you tired of being told that you do have serious problem which require professional help?

Are you tired of masking your own emotional distress?

Are you stuck in endless mazes in an attempt to get the problem solved?

It is time to take up and unmask your own true feeling and learn to tackle the reality of the problem by LEARNING to ask for HELP!

Jesus in your heart will bring true joy and peace to your soul, but keep in mind problems will not go away immediately.  However, you will be given peace and be able to seek help where it will be filled with helpful guidance and wisdom.  You will be able to walk with Jesus in tackling your own problems than to fight with your own strength.

One of my favorite Marvel Comic covers is Amazing Spider-Man # 151 which was published in the month of December in 1975!  An artwork of this comic was beautifully done by John Romita, Sr., one of the best comic artists in the history of comics.


Why did I mention this comic cover?  The comic cover can provide with powerful messages and picture!  When I look at Spider-Man was wrestling against the reality of the problem as he was determined to get through it regardless complicating and ugly situations he was dealing with.

So are you willing to stop living in denial and learn to take up the challenge in wrestling against the reality of problems?